Shakespeare In Pain

saw this vaguely Shakespearean pile-on on reddit the other day, big fan. @matt.h can you do any better? public challenge resulting in the product being read – in scorn or wild praise – on the radio.

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@jimmhay Challenge accepted. Here’s my attempt at Shakespeare x Hey There Delilah.

ACT 1

SCENE 1. New York. A brightly illumined tower.

Enter DELILAH, leaning upon a moonlit balustrade; PLAIN WHITE T’S opposite, past a dividing wall which represents Distance.

PLAIN WHITE T’S

How now, o Delilah,
How fareth the citadel of New York?
A thousand miles do us part
Yet your beauty, fair maiden, is evident this eve.
Verily, ’tis clear to all.
Times Square’s resplendence is shamed by thine;
I swear ’tis true.
How now, o Delilah,
Worry not about the gulf that doth divide us—
To thy loneliness I shall be the balm.
Hark thee again this fair melody—
Draw curtains over thine eyes,
Hear thee my voice, ’tis my cloak;
I am next to thee.

CHORUS

Ah! ’Tis what thou dost to him.
Ah! ’Tis certainly what thou dost to him.
Ah! No one denieth ’tis what thou dost to him.
Ah! So long as men can breathe, ’tis what thou dost to him.
What thou dost to him.

PLAIN WHITE T’S

How now, o Delilah,
Who would consent to groan and sweat under this weary age?
Yet entrust thy fate to mine, fair maiden,
Someday this lute shall keep the usurer at bay.
We shall dance in delight—
Our fate shall match our dreams;
Of this thou canst be sure.
How now, o Delilah,
My tongue durst not remain still;
If every of my minstrel’s ballads
Should delight thee so,
My quill would never cease
And thine affection for thy servant would swell—
The world would be ours.

CHORUS

Ah! ’Tis what thou dost to him.
Ah! ’Tis certainly what thou dost to him.
Ah! No one denieth ’tis what thou dost to him.
Ah! So long as men can breathe, ’tis what thou dost to him.
What thou dost to him.

PLAIN WHITE T’S

Though a thousand miles is no paltry thing
Bethink thyself the galloping steed, the swift bark;
If e’er these failed I should walk to thee, blood-shod.
Our companions would be full of mirth;
Yet we should laugh more lustily than they
So certain would we be of their nescience.
O Delilah, I swear by all that is noble,
That in the moment of our salvation
Our eyes shall look upon an unfamiliar world—
And its novelty will be thy doing.
How now, o Delilah,
Mind thy conscience; pine not for me;
Two years hence thou shalt say to thine education ‘farewell!’
And I shall stand astride the narrow world—
Verily ’twill be thy doing.
Of great pith and moment shall be our every enterprise.
How now, o Delilah, behold my tribute;
’Tis to thee I sing this strain.

CHORUS

Ah! ’Tis what thou dost to him.
Ah! ’Tis certainly what thou dost to him.
Ah! No one denieth ’tis what thou dost to him.
Ah! So long as men can breathe, ’tis what thou dost to him.
What thou dost to him.

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ok damn this is really good.

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alright next level @matt.h - try break stuff - limp bizkit.

@jimmhay

BREAK STUFF

ACT 1, SCENE 1

DURST

’Tis a day of days, my lord.
Merely to wake is to suffer;
All is dreary;
And the contumely of mankind
Is not the more bearable for its lack of clear motive.
‘Twould take the slightest provocation
To wring some scullion’s neck.
Utter solitude!
Yet to break such solitude, alas,
Is to entrust one’s treasure to a den of common thieves.
More salubrious by a mile to be alone with life’s ills.
’Tis eminently a day of days, my lord.

LORD BIZKIT

’Tis a matter of petty intrigue that afflicts thee, methinks.
Thou shouldst stay thy tongue
Before thy butcher sizes it for market.
’Tis indeed a most petty intrigue,
And thou art fit for censure no less than any other man.

LORD BIZKIT :rofl:
The house of Bizkit needs a family crest

distressingly good.

I loved it! I just can’t stop thinking about what Delilah is wearing.
What is it?

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@plexor A plain white T :slight_smile:

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